I was standing next to my red couch in my student-room, looking at my hands. They were bent, curved. I couldn’t write anymore. And I felt held back by life.
The truth was, I was actually really sick. I had gone through my life really not faced the challenges/the trauma/the parts of me that I needed to look at. I could cry, but I never learned to heal it. And this started to essentially create sickness in my body. I had seen many different physicians and I couldn’t solve it.
I don’t know about you, maybe in your life, you have got some challenges, and you keep having them as you are also not deeply completely facing them. Are you?
— I was feeling lost
— I was feeling fearful
— I was feeling empty and alone
— I was thinking life is difficult, hard work
If you saw me back then, I was a fun girl on the outside. But on the inside I was neglecting myself. I was just doing my life. I was not connected with myself at all. Did you ever felt you were neglecting yourself? Just doing what is expected, not really feeling connected: alive, without a deep sense of wholeness i feel now.
Deep down, subconsciously, I was scared off facing the real me. I had learned it caused trouble if I was truly myself sharing my gifts. Do you live with your gifts? I know I was, deep down, scared of my greatness.
It got to a point that my illnesses were so crippling in my life:
— I didn't got my cycle (21y old)
— I had physical deformation of my hands
— I experienced a cycle of drama and injuries
I made a decision: I needed to do the thing that I knew was right but felt the most scary. This was the chancing point.
And it wasn’t even at looking at the external world, it was looking at the internal world. I went and saw a physician. I thought at the time, that I was going to do acupuncture. So, I still at the time, was exploring this. I remember feeling so much resistance when I went to press the doorbell. I felt I was about to do something significant in my life… it gave me a feeling of deep fear and excitement at the same time. I could sense that on the other side, something was going to break through.
I walked 3 stairs up. She welcomed me with her warm smile and hug and invited me to sit in a comfy chair. We went to my childhood. She asked me how i felt in the womb. Do you know? Haha, I didn’t know. Through this practice, I started to face the pain that I had to face. I started to see the root cause of the drama, the physical injuries.
What was fascinating was, that through starting to do that, my body started to heal. It started to explore parts of me that I had suppressed, locked up and never connected with anymore. And over the next weeks, my body completely healed. Even though my body healed, and I was crying a lot I didn't know how to transform my feelings. I landed in a depression. This started my journey to dive even deeper.
I found out: I had moved away from who I was, from what I liked and totally out of connection with my true self, my deeper self. Neglected my gifts, talents like being able to see beyond the physical, healing and deep knowing. My true alignment with who I am.
I got obsessed with freeing myself even more. Coming back even more to my natural self.
I started to feel :
— genuinely happy,
— in flow
I started studying not only the yogic texts but also emotional intelligence, quantum physics, and neuroscience. I am grateful to have met teachers, masters and practitioners showing me the way, giving me tools, movements, and practices that unlocked deep wholeness in my life. The joy I was looking for - that the world outside was not giving me.
I found that there were certain kind of practices, and the combination of different practices, reflection questions and wisdom that started to heal me physically, emotionally, energetically and creating different outside experiences constantly.
From this transformation I learned how energy worked, how I could transform patterns and physical issues in my life.
One moment a friend asked me to help her. She said: You have done so much inner work, can you not help me?
I remember it as if it was yesterday. She was lying on the couch. I let life express itself through me, and at one point she felt joy - which she didn’t feel for a long long time.
After this experience, her brother was surprised and wanted to experience it for himself. Then his girlfriend came to see me too (They are all still clients but are doing so well that I do not see them often). They wanted to pay as it was so valuable. As I was working at the Delight Yoga, and people started sharing and referring the session. One moment a woman came, she was deaf in one ear. The doctors said she had to take prednisone but she didn’t want to. She came to me, and during the session her ear popped open when we found the cause. I learned a lot in this phase.
I started noticing that life sometimes was putting me in situations where I needed to help. I was, for example, in South Africa with a friend. We visited friends of hers, and their newborn baby was giving back all her food. They wanted to go to the hospital the moment we came in. I felt I had to ask her if she was open for help. At that time I had seen already so many magical experiences with myself and others, that I felt I needed to give it a try. During the session we found the cause, life healed it and the baby stopped giving back food.
But it was not until my daughter was in my womb and "told" me: “Mama you need to go for your healing practice” that I went for it.
When I told my dad he said: “Of course you need to go for that!! When you were little you were walking up to strangers quite often, telling them confronting things they had, or had to work on.”
Those few people turned into 100 of people and I now have the blessing to work with people around the world to guide them heal not just their outside world, but their inner world.
I have been giving sessions now for almost 7 years, and I always say, I will do it until life wants something else from me. Life is now calling me to do programs and mentorships too, to really guide people back to their free and alive flourishing self.